"I refuse to be the goody bag at your pity party."

Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."

• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions

My questions from @medievalneedle

1. How did you choose the names for your children? Zahnder was a derivative of Xander just less whiny. Draike was chosen for the Drake Hotel in Chicago.

2. When did you learn to knit and how? I learned to knit in 2008 by watching the techniques online. I fell in love with a scarf and wanted to knit it so I learned. I have yet to knit that scarf. :)

3. If you could start over and become anything, what would you do with your life? Dude! I would probably become an English teacher at a Private School in Italy. Teachers can really have a great work schedule. Traveling and knitting whenever I could during the summers.

4. What is your guilty pleasure? I have so many. I like to sit alone after my house goes to bed and meditate. Nice, quiet, calm, kneeling. Good practice.

5. What is your favorite color? Eggplant Purple.

YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 28 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never really clicked, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my flist, so let me know with whom I'm friends! (Feel free to only answer some of them if you like!)

1. Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Single or Taken:

4. Favourite Film:

5. Favourite Song or Album:

6. Favourite Band/Artist:

7. Dirty or Clean:

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

10. What's your philosophy on life?

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

13. What is your favorite memory of us?

14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?

17. Can we get together and make a cake?

18. Which country is your spiritual home?

19. What is your big weakness?

20. Do you think I'm a good person?

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?

22. Describe your accent:

23. If you could change anything about me, would you?

24. What do you wear to sleep?

25. Trousers or skirts?

26. Cigarettes or alcohol?

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?.

So I grew up in the church. Literally. Sundays for service, sometimes two. Wednesdays were for Bible Study and teachers meeting and prayer meeting and choir rehearsals. My Saturdays were filled with hours of dusting and vacuuming and straightening the church. I loved it really.

But now, at 33, I have gotten away from it. For whatever reason, I just don't "FEEL" like church. And I am kind of sad about it. I want to find the love for it that I lost. I cannot sing, my voice is still shot from my trip to Vermont. I have not tithed any time, money, or talent since August. And I hate it.

It seems the easy thing to do would be to just go back to church. But my issues with my home church go deeper than just not going. And finding another church to go to without feeling guilty about it is worse than house hunting. I would say this is a crisis of Faith, but it's not really. It's a crisis of fellowship.

I am going through some things that would really be frowned upon in the church and by my church going family and friends. I am certain that this is the reason so many people don't go to church in the first place - for fear of being judged in a place that shouldn't be judging you at all. I have no one that I can confide in at church, or rather I don't feel like I can without having the Bible beaters wanting to throw me on the alter and pray for my soul. And so, I stay away. I have not been in a month of Sundays and I will return. I will. I have to. It's just a part of who I am.

But what is keeping me away? Holding me back? Whatever it is, I've got to let it go.

Do you ever have days when you feel like all you have is bad news? I stopped calling my friends and family and extended family because I feel,or felt, like that. I mean really, who wants to hear all of your bad news? I couldn't hear what they were saying because I was so engrossed in my own little rain cloud. IN my defense, for a while now, I have not had much good news to share. And I hate it. I stopped talking to my friends, irl and online. I stopped blogging and chatting, and even stopped going to church because I felt like if I saw anyone I was going to break down and cry. It's a little exhausting... okay, a lot exhausting. And it makes me run...

It is not normal by any means, but I do have a nasty habit of running when things get nuts for me. Not a physical run, but I seek refuge in things... shopping, food, whatever and none of it in a good way. I have never really tried to COPE. But there is hope for me yet. Being still is my new coping skill in my pursuit of happyness.

Today was the first day in a really long time (we're talking years) that I have decided to really recognize the positives in my life. Things are not perfect, nor will they ever be, but the can be GOOD. Really good. And I have to make the choice to see ad make things good. For me! And then I can work on the other stuff with everyone else. I am advocating for my own happy. I want some. I need some and just because I am a mom and a wife and sister doesn't mean that I don't deserve to have some happy. I am taking some time for me. To figure ME out in the midst of the crazy life that is forging ahead. I can either stick my head in the sand and let it pass me by or I can choose to live.

TODAY I CHOOSE LIFE.

I was recently reading a new found blog and the blogger posed a series of questions in one of her post...

"I hope that everyone who lives in a space, or a relationship or a place where they can’t be their authentic self will take a moment to consider what it may look like to have that be different. What would you do and how would you live if you had nothing to fear? What does that life look like? What if you knew you wouldn’t fail, who would you become? Where would you go?"

I am contemplating what this means to me. and trying to answer the questions honestly. Even if the answers are painful and perhaps, unacceptable to some. Being introspective has always been hard for me. I am boisterous and out there and very extroverted in general and so people tend to get a good view of me at first glance. :) But I have recently found reason to go deeper. To dig, and search, and work hard at unearthing the "Me" that I have hidden under the happy suit. We will see how that goes. :) I think it will be awesome!

In other news, found a cute place to move. Seeing "the people" about it tomorrow. Prayerfully, it will work out well. :) Wish us luck!

So for the second time in about 6 weeks a bunch of teenage boys broke into my home. They were almost caught this time as they were IN the house when I pulled up and called the police. They have been trying to get back in for some time. Apparently, the neighborhood is seeing a lit of this. Truly, I am exhausted and disheartened. I want to move. I NEED to move. Question is WHERE to? Seriously where to? I am ready to pack up my crap and just keep it in the car with me. All.the.time. And live like a homeless person. We need to move. For my peace of mind and my children's well being.

This does not help my mood. At all.

I would like to ask for prayers and good thoughts for my mom from anyone who wants to send some good thoughts and prayers up. She has been limping quite a bit lately. And what they have found is that her cancer literally eating away at her bones (common with this cancer) and they want to put a plate and pins in her knee to protect it from breakage. They cannot do this until her blood stores are back to normal (chronic anemia and low counts are also common with her cancer) and no one is in agreement on how to get this done. She is really depressed which is totally making fighting her cancer harder and well, I am depressed for a whole host of reasons
including this.

I really need to get back to journaling more. I miss it. And it's nice to vent to the world. :)

And really all there is to say is:


18 days till Potter. Woot WOOT!!!


Oh and I am back and reading posts older than life and trying to find some balance. :)

We say it every year. I resolved to... blah blah bleh. I always resolve and do not do. This year is going to be really interesting. Changes are already underway and I am unsure of where I am headed. (I am glad God knows where I am going because I would be running for the hills by now.)

It is so hard to imagine beginnings and ends. It makes me cry. Often. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" keeps rolling through my head. I am not against change, I just wish it did not have to be so... hard. But  I am ready. And happy for the first time in a very long time, about the possibilities.

Go ME!

Music changes things. Seriously.

Trust the pattern. It will not fail you.

Frogging is okay.

You have friends EVERYWHERE.

There are at least two people in the world who would die for you.

Read. Learn. Grow. Allow no one or nothing to stop you.

When one door closes, God opens another one; But it may be hell in the hallway!!!!!

HAPPY 2009. May there be much more love and peace and happiness this year.

Seriously, there is nothing like a good read. You know, the kind of reading that evokes crazy emotion and makes you feel like you've been through with the characters. I love that.  But there is also not much more therapeutic than a good write. Journal writing is generally where I stand, because I have not honed my writing at all. 

This year, while I expect no prizes, awards, or accolades, I will be joining the NaNoWriMo. I miss writing. A lot. It's nuts but I think I know exactly what my story is going to be. That is half the battle, right?


:D

I would like to see more on the "Go Red" Campaign from the American Heart Association.  Do people realize that more women die from heart disease kills 6 times as many women annually than breast cancer? Why doesn't heart disease get as much play?

I would like to see more TeenMOPS groups across America. It is amazing that the while teen pregnancy has dropped considerably in years past it still is extremely high in our country. MOPS is an awesome way to stay connected with women, MOTHERS, who are like you. Why not teen moms?

I would like to see my church grow. 'Nuf said.

I would like to see me making the above changes. Visualize, Affirm, Actualize.

Dig deeper Magic.

7 years ago, I sat in a dorm room at Keene College in New Hampshire contemplating my next move. I was watching television and surfing the internet for plane tickets back to either Memphis or Colorado.  I was just out of a very bad relationship, I had 500.00 to my name, my father had had 3 strokes and been hospitalized for a month and my grandfather had died a little over a month before. It was, by far, one of the most harrowing years of my life.

As I watched the news, I remember thinking "Wow, who paid Bryant Gumble to be in a terrorist movie?" I remember the plane flying right into the tower above his head and I remember, VIVIDLY, weeping on the floor.  Just a few months before, I had just left New York, as I had spent the summer working for the Girl Scouts and running an overnight camp. Some of my girls were residents of the area, some of their mothers and fathers were in and out of the towers often. After I gained my composure, I saw college kids running to cars in droves to get to their family members because ceel phones and land line were down everywhere. 

That night, we gathered in the Keene Circle and we sang and we prayed and we held hands and sang some more.  To this day I cannot hear The Time of Your Life by Green Day without crying.  

I remember. I remember helping with grief counseling and going to Ground zero to help clean up and offer first aid to those who needed help. I remember calling my parents two weeks later to ask come home.  I remember crying everyday through the holidays, for my grandfather, for my family, for my friends and for the people who had suffered loss of any kind because of 9/11. 

This day, while still sad, is a reminder of the good that still remains in this world. People rallying to help others. One of few times times in history that race and creed were insignificant. I hold that in my heart and mind today. I shoose to remember the good!

Where were you? And what will you choose to remember?

The good news: I am confident in my test taking skills, so much so that my godmother is paying for the Praxis test. Zahnder got into the Perea School for August.  Subbing is a great way to get exposure and make connections.  Rent is paid for the month and the utilities are not stupid high this month.

The bad News: Hubby may be hitting lay off status until June :(. 

Good out weighs the bad again.  Chins are up and we are still standing.  I think I am going to go and find V's  "smile" online again. 

So my potty trained 3 year old has been asking to go to school. I would love to send him, but even if I were a full time teacher, I know we could not afford the highway freaking robbery rape me because I am a working mom price of 450 a month to put him in school along with another 450 a month for his brother. My cousin told me last night at my grandmother;s birthday party that there is a pre-school called Perea here in Memphis (and literally 6 blocks from my house) that excepts 3 and 4 year olds for a two year program BASED ON YOUR INCOME!!!!   Righteous,right?  I wish there were more places like this.  I know a lot of parents who could use sliding scale tuition and fees.

I found out that the Department of Human Services will not help parents who are working steady jobs. Big WTF here. Parents who receive welfare for whatever reason, get the childcare benefit, but since I have a job, I get nothing. It is the most ass backward thinking I can imagine.  Mommas who work get not childcare benefits, mommas who don't work get to put all their kids in some form of childcare FOR FREE.   So thank God for my cousin and his great memory. He saved my sanity.

Here is a picture of my 3 year old: He LOVES stickers!

Seriously, I thought I was done with testing and crap when I left school. Apparently not. Not only do I need to find an Education Masters Program to fit my schedule, I need to retest in the aforementioned tests. Mercy. I guess I had better get my study on. Any suggestions? I love teaching and working with the kids, but I need to move on from Elementary. I just don't have the patience. I need older kids that can be held responsible for themselves. So moving on in the testing of it all!

So I have decided to be more diligent about my LJ blogging and what not. i have been out of the loop this year and I really need to get back on board. So this is that official post. anyone planning on going to Portus? My goal is to run away from my youngin's and hubby for the long weekend. I need to gain a bit of sanity back before some gets hurt. Namely me!!!

I have lost of lot of myself in parenting and marriage and I kind of miss me. so I taught myself to knit and meditate and I am going on a get healthy kick. Andrea posted sometime back that she was using the Fly Lady to rid her life of some clutter. so I am busy. But I have missed birthdays and chatting about ridiculousness at FA (I have not been back since late last year as the foolishness was mind boggling.) So I am back in the land of the living.

Now I am totally new to knitting. I am teaching myself and I have one helluva long tail cast on. But I needed to be challenged and I wanted to be surrounded in organized chaos as I learn. Ravelry! It took about 17 days for me to get my invite and that rocks considering that there were well over 7000 people ahead of me. I am in Ravelry looking at your knits. Is anyone from LJ there? Let me know...I am HPMomma there too...

I had NO IDEA that teaching could take so much out of you. Seriously. I knew of course that it was no easy job as many make it out to be, but wow, my head continues to swim. Praxis (teacher test of doom) is the only thing that keeps me from being a "certificated" teacher in the state of TN. so I am biding my time as a teacher assistant in a small alternative program in Memphis. Benefit is that mainly I get to work closely with both seasoned and new teachers and work with kids who need more attention and I work with about half the student population which happens to be 15 kids total!!! Yeah, I thought it was sweet too. rhrsoulmates how in the world do you do the lesson plans SPI's and randomness. I would love your input. :)

Anyway, life is good even after the holidays with my anti social hubby and wild kids, Still much more to do and 19 works days before the two week vacation for Christmas. I am off to see the wizard, work bright and early tomorrow. Hope your weekends were awesome and you didn't spend all your money or blow your Christmas budgets!!!